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WARNOCK: Part 3

Nick Hamer rounds off our magical journey into the mind of Neil. WARNING: as you can imagine, explicit language ahead


Arsenal (A), Cornwall (A), Plymouth (A)


Up next for the Blades is Arsenal in the sponsorless FA Cup 5th Round. We see the depth into which Sheffield United’s scouting report goes, describing the North London side as “out of this fuckin’ world.” Then comes the Warnock mind games: all week he’s been telling the players just to enjoy it, but come match day, all of that is “bullshit” because he believes that they "can fuckin’ win”.


And they do come very close to winning it. Dennis Bergkamp is sent off and United wrongly have a goal chalked off for offside, but Andy Gray scores a penalty to bring the Gunners back to Bramall Lane. At least they’ll see Henry this time.


The next game is against Plymouth in which they could arrest their slip in league form. Warnock wants to see them have their food and their rest.


Home is where the heart is in the next scene. Neil Warnock is back in Cornwall, singing hymns in church and bitching about the conduct of Arsène Wenger. Sharon is once again talking shite about how he’s a lovely bloke out of football, how he’ll be buried with his tractor and how their wonderful little village is like going back to the olden times (she was starting to grate on me by this point, but she is still a saint).


He probably didn’t have to travel far to Plymouth, which is probably the only positive. United are dreadful and lose 3-0. Jagielka has to go in goal once more as Paddy Kenny is injured.

Arsène Wenger, by Ronnie Macdonald


Arsenal (H), Leeds (A) and One Last Push


The 5th round replay is treated with the same belief as the original fixture. The Blades gave a magnificent account of themselves but were knocked out on penalties. Warnock is also pleased with the lads, as they appear to be given some time off in which they have total free rein.


“What we said at fuckin’ Plymouth right? And look what fuckin’, I mean what happened at Arsenal, about Plymouth. So please your fuckin’ selves what you do in the next few days alright? Get pissed up, go out to nightclubs, anything you fuckin’ like. Cause you were a fuckin’ disgrace at Plymouth weren’t you? So do everything you don’t fuckin’ wanna do alright? Take your missus out, shag her on’t car seat, anything you want. That’s magnificent that, fuckin’ magnificent that.”


By the time the players have come back from fornicating on their car seats, Danny Webber has joined the club initially on loan, ahead of their crunch match with rivals Leeds United. Before the game, Warnock is surprised by the choice of boots worn by full back Rob Kozluk.


“You’ve gotta be a good fuckin’ player to wear them Koz.”

“Shall I take ‘em off then?”


It doesn’t take long for Webber to make an impact, scoring 93 seconds into his Blades debut. United go on to win 4-0 which makes Warnock say arguably his squeakiest ‘fackin' 'ell’ of the documentary. He now believes that they can finish 4th.


Cut to a rain-soaked Warnock gesticulating as the Blades only manage to win one of their last six games, funnily enough as we now see Neil undergoing his biannual medical, in which he looks like a dying version of Bane from the Batman series. United’s playoff hopes are in critical condition. It all comes down to Millwall at home on the last day of the season.


United lose 1-0 and the promotion dream is over. Big changes are afoot: Warnock claims “they’re not going to be a fuckin’ soft touch next year”. He was right.


The documentary closes with Warnock getting ready to referee a local charity football match. He looks more like a french maid than a referee. He takes the opportunity to slag off referees whilst refereeing the game and recycling the same joke about having to be a good player to wear coloured football boots. Classic Neil.


“It starts with Referees and it ends with Referees.”





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